1996-05-02 - Spring Orgo Night
College Library
[march into Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite distended bellies and malnutrition, it's the hunger-strikingest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching White Hegemony.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Joaquim Ochoa - hungry
J. Michael Maldonado - hungry
J. Marcel Agueros - hungry
J. Heather Starr - hun-uh, well, um
and J. Sharod Baker, uh X - Well-fed
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to dark, dank, decrepit, depressing, dreary, in need of renovation, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting but sadly not the men and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring racial tension on the way up, FBH on the way down, a campground on College Walk, and the most on-campus excitement since the last time Sharod was in the news, presents its 23rd consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous orgo.
[who owns]
For those of you who never walk on College Walk, don't have classes in Hamilton, never read The Spec, are deaf, dumb, blind and confined to your dark little cells in Wien, earlier this semester, students agitated in various and sundry monstrously ineffective ways for an Ethnic Studies Department. Indeed, four students, realizing that hunger strikes were an appropriate response to genocide, unjust governments, war, oppression of entire peoples and the lack of an interdisciplinary major, decided to starve themselves for their very own page in the bulletin. The band for one is surprised at all the fervor about fifteen days of starvation, considering the amount of sorority girls who go without food for three and four weeks at a time. Ironically enough, however, the Barnard girl was the first to eat. Indeed, the Barnard strikers announced they would go on a sympathy "binge and purge" strike. There was some confusion as to whether or not the JSU was on an all-matzoh hunger strike, but it was just Passover. The band now plays, in honor of our fair hunger strikers and their medical complications, "You Be Illin'"
[ubln]
Considering the jovial nature of the Hamilton takeover/all-night dance party and talent show, where ethnic studies protesters boogied the night away to hip tunes while fighting for their (pause, clear throat) cause, the band sees a new kind of protest in the future, where in addition to fighting in justice and performing acts of civil disobedience, people have fun and make friends. A few suggestions:
*The Free Tibet Barbecue and Skeet Shoot
*The "Save the Rainforest" bonfire and sing-along
*The National Organization for Women's fashion show and tea party
*The Christian Coalition's Rave Till Dawn
*The Free East Timor Quilting Bee
*The Gay Coalition's Sadie Hawkins Day Dance
*The Nation of Islam's pig-roast and beer-tasting
*The National Hemophilia Association's Football Game
*Special Olympics--on Jeopardy!
*The NAMBLA Father and Son Picnic
The band now plays, in honor of protests everywhere, "We Shall Overcome".
[we shall overcome]
The band, having heartily enjoyed "Jesus Week 96", would like to suggest other religious festivities in the same vein:
*Buddhist Week '96: with free iced tea on the steps!
*Shinto Week '96: with free iced tea on the steps!
*Shi'ite Week '96: with free iced tea on the steps!
*Mormon Week '96: with free, um, herbal tea on the steps!
*Jehovah's Witness Week '96: with free iced tea. . .at your door!
Well, you get the point. As apropos to this joke as iced tea is to Jesus, the band now plays "Move This"
[move this (the Revlon theme)]
The band would like to thank Sharod X. Just when we think we'll run out of Orgo Night material, he pops back into the spotlight. Indeed, the band has been lucky enough to find an extra "Blackdafide", and shares with you now the column Spectator was afraid to print. . .
"I had this dream last night. There was this midget, and a circus clown, and Frederico Fellini, and we were all playing Twister, while a large man in a black suit banged on the cymbals. My bow-tie caught on the midget's toe, and I won the game. The large man in the black suit, who turned out to be Marlon Brando, champion of our people, led me to the Rupp's palace. On the way I said to him that I admired his solidarity with our Native American brothers in turning down the white man's Oscar. He said "Peace, brother, I hear you." We were like brothers; he was my double, or rather my photographic negative. We came to the Rupp's mansion of oppression, and Nancy Rupp came out of the door screaming "I don't want any of those fucking spics in my house!" Suddenly a mariachi band walked dejectedly out the front door. Then this tall white woman in armor appeared to me and told me to hurry home to Ithaca. I said I was from Chicago, and why'd she want to send me to upstate New York anyway? But then I understood: Cornell. She looked at me funny, and said "Oops, wrong dream, god knows what Allah's telling Odysseus right now," and then she turned into a large white rabbit with a pocket watch and hopped away. I turned back to Marlon, my brother, but he had been replaced by an Austrian man with wire-rimmed glasses and a beard. "Sharod," he asked me, "vat do you tink dis dream iss about?" I said "My unresolved Oedipal complex." "Veddy interesting," he said, "I would haf tought it wass about your racial parahnoiah ant inability to deal wif autority figures outside uf ahn opressor/opressed paradigm, but it cahn be about your motter if you like." I called him the white devil and he disappeared. Then I woke up. So you see, fellow Columbians, I like the Jews."
[havah]
Recently it seems that Margot Kidder, best known as Lois Lane in the Superman movies, went crazy. The band's special crack swat team flew out to L.A. and found her discarded diary. We share it with you now.
Monday: Went to visit Christopher in hospital. Poor man. Luckily I have so far evaded the Superman curse.
Tuesday: Descent into madness
Wednesday: Have found Lex Luther's evil den of iniquity. Am convinced he has my cat.
Thursday: Wandered around suburban L.A. looking for the Colombian drug runners who really killed Nicole Brown Simpson.
Friday: Lex Luther does not have my cat. Marlon Brando has my cat!
Saturday: Read The Bell Jar. Laughed a lot.
Sunday: They found me in a bush today. I, like so many others, have always depended on the kindness of the LAPD.
The band now plays "I hear you shivering in the bush out there, but you're Lois Lane and don't need me to save you."
[knocking]
The band had this great idea for destroying FBH: The bring your own sledge party. But unfortunately when we ran to the administration all excited they crushed our youthful hopes. We'd like to suggest a few other ways to tear that monstrosity down.
*A mad cow rampage.
*Have a seven-year-old girl take off in a plane nearby
*Get the Unabomber mad at it
*Two words: Margot Kidder
*Have the FBI attempt to peacefully resolve the issue
*Just have Carman fall on top of it
*Erosion: nature's demolition expert
*The life-threatening meteor speeding towards Earth
*the former East German Women's track and field team
*Tell the Israeli government that Hezbollah's holed up inside
*Let Chris Glaros Try and fight for it with the administration
The band now plays, in honor of our dear, departed FBH, "Wipeout"
[wipeout]
A recent article in the New York Times revealed that New York men have the highest average sperm count in the nation. Before you get all hot and bothered, and complain the bands' always trying to ram these sorts of jokes down your throat, and that we just beating a dead horse, we'd like to swim against the tide and shoot from the hip a few philosophical musings on the origin of this virility. Not to shaft our usual crass milieu, but we felt you deserved finer, gentler strokes. Indeed, what makes New Yorkers more virile? What keeps the flow coming? Our inspiration may come in fits and spurts, but don't let us rub you the wrong way.
*All that crotch-grabbing
*Green M&Ms
*Porn capital of the world
*Two words: Judith Schapiro
*The ginger in the Chinese take-out
*Fewer sperm-stealing alien abductions
*Saving up to father Madonna's child
*Cleaner, brighter safer Times Square means conservation of sperm
The band now plays, in honor of Times Square and its besieged women of the night, "In the Midnight Hour."
[midnight hour]
The compound tri-nitro-toleune, or TNT, is used to destroy buildings with explosions of flames.
The network TNT destroys old movies with washes of color.
Ethyl alcohol gets you smashed.
The voice of Ethel Merman smashes glass.
A gram of carbon is one-twelfth of a mole.
A dealer of coke is turned in by a mole.
We're gonna split now 'cause we owe Eugene some money, and he knows we're here.
[Raw]